Love, Anonymous

Either my entire life is about to implode, or this is only the prequel to the rest of my life.

What I would give to talk to my younger self in this moment. My older self may be more helpful in guiding me through the wreckage that might be my life… but the little one… she will guide with heart instead of fear.

I found myself inside a fairytale in 2022. He told me I was no longer alone and that it had always been me. He told me he loved me on the 5th day of knowing me, yet I remained calm and wasn’t worried. With a past plastered in red flags, I was always on high alert when dating… but he was genuine. Kind, with so much love to give. Every weekend I’d drive to him to spend the weekend and dream of our future. I loved his boisterous laugh and mischievous eyes. He was creative; passionate. He still is all of these things. I thought… “this is it”. I wish I still felt that way.

To continue our story, and due to the lack of affordable rentals in the area, I moved in after a few months of dating. Fast, I know, but it didn’t feel that way then. We were comfortable. I felt like I’d always known him. Like I was meant to be there. This was going to be my home. His family welcomed me in, his friends too, and it was everything I could have ever asked for.

And yet…

It never became home. I find myself, for the first time in my life, yearning to be alone. Have the independence I never could find. Finding myself and who that is apart from a partner, parent, or situation. Find me, and learn to love her. Coming to this realization has caused such a severe amount of anxiety that I struggle to eat a normal amount each day. This amazing person, who I thought was my forever, may not be after all. Recognizing that it has only been a little over a year together, it feels like much more. I do love him, and trust him, but something just doesn’t feel right.

As soon as I felt this worry creeping up, I talked to him. I cried until my face was swollen, trying to explain where my head was. I never wanted this. I never wanted such pain ever again, or to cause pain to someone I love. I said I wanted to give our relationship the respect and effort it always deserved, and go from there. He cried too (in front of me for the first time), said he doesn’t know what he’d do without me. That broke me. Made me wish he never met me, though I’d never wish to forget him. He’s taught me how to be loved, and love healthily.

For some, love may be enough. I don’t know if it will be in my case.

I have therapy tomorrow, thankfully, to help with the simmering anxiety in my stomach. Although we are giving time to see if my feelings resolve, my gut wants me to rip it off like a band-aid. I think about it 24/7. I feel better things are just on the horizon, but it is just that… a far, far horizon. But I can see it. Sometimes I can feel the warmth of it in their words. They cradle me like a heated blanket and whisper about the future. The possibilities of things I always dreamed, but forgot. Not a promise, but possibility. That’s what I need; what I want.

While I know everything will be okay in the end, or the beginning of, the in-between is scary and bleak. How do I slow my steps toward the end rather than sprint into it’s archway? I must reach it before the dark behind swallows me whole. How do I bend the shadows to my will, and go at a healthier pace?

I’ll let you know.

Love, Anonymous.