Love, Anonymous

Hi kiddo,

I’ve wanted to write this for some time now, as life has been extra full of feeling lately. To say that our emotions have been like a rollercoaster would be an understatement. We seem to be in a good headspace today, Thursday the 8th of February, so now is probably the best time.

You did it, love. You did what you knew you had to do and the world didn’t explode. The first step in loving yourself and being 100% fully independent. You’re doing it, and I’m SO proud of you. Through the tears and nausea, you told him the truth of what needs to happen. Moving out, getting an apartment alone and then discussing the future of your relationship. Apart of the relationship entirely, you need to have your own place. You need to have this time in life where your space is entirely that, yours. Yours alone. No one to make decisions for you. No one to influence your next move to make it easier. Only you. In addition to this though, you do know the future of him and you, as much as it pains you.

He’s the kindest; supporting your decision in every way. He’s hurting, but not putting it on you. Even so, you still see it. The sorrow in his eyes through his rare tears. In the hugs you share, as that is all you share now between quiet words about the change. He still tells you goodbye in the morning, and sometimes rubs your back at night because he feels the tension in your restless legs. The kindness is painful, I know.

That’s why I’m writing here – a letter for when the guilt feels too much to bear and you need help getting to the finish line of moving day. So please, read and listen:

You are not a bad person. You are just a person who is making tough changes in order to better yourself and get where you need to go. You are not responsible for taking away other people’s pain. They care for you, and it would be worse in the long run to stay in a place you know you shouldn’t. Staying would only prolong the sting, for both of you, and worsen it. It’s been almost 2 weeks since you told him you needed to go, and you’ve survived this long. 9 more days until your space. Resolution. No more awkward silences or anxiety. Only 380 sq ft of you. Us. I’m SO proud of you.

Keep going to therapy. Every other Thursday. Let yourself cry and mourn the life you thought you were going to have and embrace the changes coming toward you. Joke about it. Listen to ASMR, play Kirby the Forgotten Land and Fortnite with your friends. Drink water. Wash your face and shower when you can but don’t be hard on yourself when you don’t have the energy. Give yourself the same patience and forgiveness that you’d give anyone else in the same situation. That others, even him, are giving you. You’re not a villain. You’re human.

It will be okay. Everything is okay. You, we, have made it this far. We can keep going. We will keep going. I love you. You deserve to love yourself.

Love, (Yourself) Anonymous.