Love, Anonymous

I thought I knew what it was to be in love before I met you, but I was wrong.

The way you walk, talk, breathe and laugh are all woven through the deepest abysses of my brain. The private language we wrote in jokes and looks. The way your beard felt under my fingernails and the look you always looked at me.

6 months buried; 6 feet down. It never gets any warmer, but my skin gets thicker instead. I can finally listen to the songs without crying, the songs that re-broke my bones so I could set them straight. The anger and pain finally full and no longer gnawing at my throat at night.

Your last meaningful words were full of hope and grace; grace for me. This hardship I decided to put us through. I didn’t know it then, but it was more about us (than me) than I realized. At the time I truly believed that I was a villain. A selfish child who needed to find herself in the darkness of struggle. I felt, deep down, that I couldn’t do it with you. I thought it was because I HAD to be alone to find what I was looking for. What I realized, from the outside, was that being alone was the outcome, not the reason.

I loved you so much that it blinded me to what was missing. The mutual yearning. The respect. The love. I felt like an accessory to your life, your family and friends. Alone at the end of the day and easily removed. A year living together and not one ounce of me was molded into that house, room, or office cove. Everything was still yours.

Now, everything is mine. Ive built myself back up from where our love lies in it’s beautiful, gardened grave. In a way, I need to thank you. Not only did you show me that I can truly love someone in ways I thought might never be possible… You also taught me how important it is for me to be loved just as fiercly. Not just by my soulmate, whoever they may be, but by myself. I got myself here. Me. I deserve nothing less.

I didn’t know what love really was, that’s true. But then I met you. Yes, I’ve never felt such a fire before you. But you know what? I’ll love after you. A hotter and brighter flame.

Goodbye, for the very last time.