Love, Anonymous

This is my 27th November and I never remember just how hard the winter is.

All light gone by 5pm. The chill of the outside sneaks through the walls and feels colder each time, even though the earth is warming. The last 6 months have flown by in a way that I appreciate but also fear. I’m stronger. Lighter. Healthier. I’m doing so much for myself, but it doesn’t always feel like it.

I have opened up my heart again for brown eyes and fluffy brown hair. Hugs warmer than the summer sun and kisses linger like sticky honey. Sweet, and bites in a good way. He is the smartest man I’ve ever met, and also the most kind and empathetic. Considerate. Attentive. I’ve never felt so… listened to. It’s frightening in an unfamiliar way. He doesn’t ever make me feel less than for our differences, but lifts me up instead. He has accomplished things that I always wished to but couldn’t, but never lets me feel anything but pride in what I have done.

Starting over with someone new takes a lot of courage and going against the hurt pieces inside you that remain from the previous trauma. They yell and scream and beg you not to open up again. To close off and be alone because you’ve started to learn how to like being alone. I don’t know what made me make the r/R4R post that day, but from it came you. A laugh like twinkling lights in December and the first person to leave me so breath taken that I can’t put more than a few words together. The person to make me completely change my mind about trying long distance ever again. You’re in my dreams, day and night, making me long for you and miss you with every waking breath.

I remember I was texting you a few weeks into us talking. I was half paying attention to what I was texting, due to a call with friends, and accidentally typed “I love you so much”, instead of “I like you so much”; as we like to exchange instead. We laughed together and you said you couldn’t wait to tell our kids about how their mom slipped first. We haven’t actually said it yet. Two weeks ago exactly, I saw you in the airport for the first time. After you left at the end of the week, I found myself typing into google “when to say I Love You”, because I knew.

I’m going to wait for you to say it, since well, I already technically did. You also are dealing with a lot right now, and I want to keep things as easy as they can be. I didn’t mean for this to become a letter to you, but I guess it has. You’re napping right now. Last night, we watched Jurassic World 2 over discord and it feels like you never left. We even made the exact same joke at the exact same time. Honey, we might be soulmates. At least, I hope we are.

The struggle of logic vs emotions is knotted tightly with the tug of trying to not go too fast, but still letting your heart breathe. It’s so scary. I worry about you too, how you feel. We both get lost in our heads with worry. I know we will make it through if it is meant to be, but it’s hard to stay level headed when falling in love. Maybe that’s why they call it falling.

I’ll probably share this with you. You told me you love when I write to you. While this was not what I had planned, I hope you enjoy it. I did, do, and will.

Now yours, Anonymous.