Love, Anonymous

I’d taken my medication late (like, really late) two nights ago and I still feel the chemical punishment. The half life of these little blue capsules ensure that even if you remember before your next dose, you’ll be feeling it within the first few hours of forgetting. Unfortunately for me, I was asleep and woke up when it was already too late.

I almost never forget my evening medication. It’s been in my routine for 14 years but every once in a while, it escapes me. This time? I was stoned and focusing so hard on making sure I brushed my teeth that I forgot about my pills, waiting for me in their labeled container.

Withdrawals for me are unlike anything else I’ve ever felt. Some parts remind me of being high, but with none of the positives of being high. Vibrations against my spine with any eye movement. My skull feels like it’s filled with water, sloshy and slow. A heavy, uneven weight presses on my shoulders, hands, neck and knees. Sleepy. I can’t stay awake.

I’ve had 3 doses, on time, since then but I still feel the effects. I took another nap in the middle of writing this, if you could believe. It is Sunday, and my entire weekend has been filled with sleeping and being frustrated with the mess around me. Even before my body begged for the medication it sorely relies on, depression was sprouting. Being surrounded by the fall of sane democracy, wildfires, loss, death, and more medical debt, the negativity has paralyzed me. Only recently have I found myself wanting to read again and indulging in Matt Haig novels.

Having clothes on the floor is not the end of the world. I’m well aware of that. Despite this I struggle with my messy surroundings. I feel that the first thing I must be allowing myself to do is to better my environment but its a much larger task than reading or watching content online or napping. I grip at the teeth of the shadow of a monster that has surrounded me for an entire year. I’m inside, dangling, ankles sweeping it’s throat. I’m not swallowed. I want to fight, kick, scream for someone to grab my hand. This creature has grown with me, in and out of my live for over a decade and I don’t understand it. I want to. I just want to understand. Make peace.

I want peace. Does peace exist for anyone in 2025?

Love, Anonymous.